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the feminist librarian

Category Archives: life writing

it’s all a bit surreal: 39th birthday + #AWEFund

30 Monday Mar 2020

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in library life, life writing

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So March.

March has been a helluva year, hasn’t it?

Today is my 39th birthday and I had hoped — last week — because this is the world we live in now — to launch a fundraising appeal for the Archival Workers Emergency Fund today. The fund isn’t quite there yet, because the AWEF planning committee members care about getting it as close to true north as we possibly can and that’s taken drafting and re-drafting and conversations with the leadership at the Society of American Archivists and then more drafting … We’re close! But it’s not quite open for business yet.

So.

So I would ask that if you would have pulled out your (virtual) wallet today and made a donation to the #AWEFund as a birthday gift to me, you mentally put that pledge aside for when we can gratefully accept that $5, $10, $15, $25 or more to support archival workers for whom this covid-19 (coronavirus) crisis has become a financial crisis.

In the meantime, have a beer or a glass of wine in my name, enjoy the sunshine at a social distance from other beings, have a cupcake, and let’s all pull together for a more just and sustainable tomorrow.

Stay safe, be kind.

Onward.

#comingoutday: the thread

12 Saturday Oct 2019

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in life writing

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Tags

sexual identity, sexuality

Yesterday (October 11) was #ComingOutDay and I shared some thoughts on Twitter. Here is that thread in blog post form, lightly edited to address a few typos. 

Twitter wants to make EXTRA ‘SPECIALLY SURE that I know it’s #ComingOutDay so I thought I would say a few words about what my coming out experience(s) have been like. I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of years reassuring newly-out queer adults  (💗🙌🌈💗) that our process of “coming out” can be both like and unlike the mainstream cultural narrative of coming out.

First I want to say: Coming out is sometimes unsafe. If it’s unsafe for you, I hope you care for yourself as you can in the moment. You still count, and you still matter. I hope in future it will become safer and more possible to come out to at least some people who love you.

Also: here’s a thread I wrote earlier in the year about how coming out can still be hard and scary for many of us. That doesn’t make you any less queer. That’s structual cisheterosexism still making our lives difficult.

So in this thread I thought I’d describe my coming out experience as a Midwestern queer kid during the 1980s-1990s. Keep in mind that I didn’t have an email address until I was seventeen. I had the public library and my parents’ bookshelves. The avenues for finding queer thought, queer options, queer community as a young person have changed radically since that era.

Some queer folks can look back into their childhood and find strong evidence for having been “born this way.” That’s a favored narrative for many reasons. But it isn’t a narrative that has been particularly useful to me. Sure, I was born “this way” in the sense that I was born me, and likely always had the capacity for same-sex as well as other-sex desires. But I also didn’t experience the gender policing many queer adults remember from childhood. I wasn’t made to feel non-normative in that way.

As a queer adult, looking back, I would say that my experience of passionate same-gender friendships might fit into a pre-history of queerness. I remember since early childhood imagining an adult life that involved establishing a home and family with another girl. Sometimes a boy. (And, you know, sometimes both.) But I didn’t have the language for same-sex desire/romance/relationship until I was about eleven and some girls at a sleepover were giggling about using the word “gay” in a Scrabble game. So I asked my mother for a definition — which she provided in very straightforward, not anti-gay, terms. It would be a few years later, in my early teens, when I began to observe that — unlike some of my friends — I didn’t feel romantic interest exclusively towards boys. Although the way I interpreted my feelings, at that point, was that I struggled to tell the difference between friendship and dating.

What does “coming out” look like for someone who hasn’t ever really been deliberately in the closet, but also hasn’t had the language to talk about who they are that resists presumptive (cis)heterosexuality? It’s a slow and halting process. As a teenager, I gathered more language. I read my mother’s edition of Our Bodies, Ourselves that had a whole chapter on lesbians! Our library had a copy of Annie On My Mind in the teen paperback rack (thank you librarians!). ElfQuest comics had gay and poly elves. 🤔

A piece of this story I often reflect on is that while I personally knew very, very few (out) queer people in our community, I knew a lot of single people — and single women specifically — who had created lives for themselves without following the dictates of the marriage plot (and/or parenting). One aspect of queer adulthood that I think we don’t talk often enough about is that our milestones and families often look and feel very different from the heteronormative imaginary. Sometimes they’re the same, or similar. And that’s okay too. But often they’re not! And for a child or young adult looking to grown-ups for possibilities … it felt in the early 90s (and I suspect often still feels today) like none of the life paths out there quite fit.

From 1997-2005, I was a commuter college student, living off-campus and working plus attending school part time. My campus was a hostile environment for queer people and feminists (I was vocally the latter, quietly the former). This is the period I think of as my “over-invested ally” period. I had no problem identifying as a lefty feminist, but I skirted the edges of campus queerdom because I lacked enough coherent evidence to identify as lesbian or bisexual (the options that felt available). I had no partnered sexual or romantic experience to point toward as evidence of my desires. It was all nebulous internal knowledge (knowledge I would tell any person today, who asked, is absolutely valid evidence … and anyway you don’t need a case file to identify as queer!). But at the time, it felt to me like you needed to prove the negative of being “not straight” (and I imagine many people feel a similar need to assemble their casefile for being “not cis”).

Me circa 1997-2007: It would be super awkward to go through the process of telling everyone you were queer and then have that be WRONG.

(Yes, 2019 me agrees with you that’s … not how this works.)

How does the concept of “coming out” (of hiding) fit into a story like this? The language and act of “coming out” can be found in the gay liberation moment of the early 1970s. It was originally a bold and brave call to political assembly. If you were a queer adult in the early 1970s you had lived through an era of intense persecution that had the goal of placing you outside the body politic. Claiming the public square was raucous street theater demanding that we be seen. This is also why Pride was, and continues to be, so important. Taking up space in public, being loud, being visible, is a political act:

We’re here. ✊

We’re queer. 🌈

I think a lot, though, about how those Big Coming Out acts we engage in as members of a queer body politic work in tandem with all the Little Comings Out we engage in as individual queer people. And how “coming out” is, maybe, in those quieter moments, more of a coming in — or settling in — to the self.

In order for me to make the shift (circa 2007-2009) from being an over-invested ally who understood herself to be “mostly straight” to being a queer bisexual I had to engage in so many small acts of letting that case file mentality go. I had to reject the straight-until-proven-queer framework that is cisheterosexist normativity at is most pernicious. I had to let go of the fear that unless I tried and failed at being straight I couldn’t properly prove I wasn’t.

I know this experience isn’t unique to bisexual folks. But I do think, perhaps, that understanding yourself to be queer involves less self-gaslighting doubt when you very obviously are not interested in people with whom you would appear to be in a heterosexual relationship. In a cisheteronormative world that prioritizes hetero desire, if you have some desires that seem to match up with that script, those desires can drown out the queer ones through cultural amplification. If my passionate friendships with men are read by the world around me as romantic, but my passionate friendships with women are read as platonic, it can be very hard to overrule social expectations and say: NO I LIKE THE LADIES IN A SEXY WAY TOO.

In the end, my Little Comings Out happened through so many moments like this:

*The day I referred to “my girlfriend” in front of a colleague.

*The day I said “we” meaning queer people.

*The day I said to my mother, “I’m falling in love.”

To me, being queer is both about the Big moments and the Little ones. It’s about finding your way through the cacophony of straightness to the right queer harmony that resonates with you. And it’s about acting in solidarity (whether visibly or not; visibility isn’t always safe) with others under the queer umbrella.

Coming out — in big ways, and little ways, helps us find one another, fight for one another, find language that helps us illuminate our souls.

Welcome home. 💗

Happy pride. 🌈

student debt: the thread

13 Wednesday Mar 2019

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in library life, life writing

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A lightly edited Twitter thread I wrote today prompted by this Tweet that crossed my timeline: 

Seriously: Akers is suggesting that people who plan to pursue a path to Public Service Loan Forgiveness will overborrow on loans to “support their lifestyles!” Not a reality based statement. #RealCollege

— Dr. Sara Goldrick-Rab (@saragoldrickrab) March 13, 2019

I mostly don’t read or talk about student loans and the PSLF program because it’s a shortcut to panicked paralysis but today let me share my story about debt, grad school, and public service.

My family circumstances made it possible for me to graduate with my B.A. only $5k in debt. I went to a school where my father worked on staff, so I got tuition remission and I lived at home to keep expenses down. So I began the grad school search and application process not very deep in a hole. Between graduating college (May 2005) and beginning grad school (August 2007) I worked at part-time jobs that paid hourly wages of between $7.50-$10.00/hour. I had been working part-time for a decade or more at that point and in that context a $10.00 wage seemed grand! One of my jobs even gave me the option to open a 401(k) to which I began to slowly contribute. I had low expenses because I didn’t have kids, wasn’t maintaining a house or a car, and I was able to live with my parents. I started paying down that $5k of student debt. I put some savings away for a computer to get me through grad school and a cushion to get me through a cross-country move.  I was able to arrange a transfer with one of my part-time jobs (Barnes & Noble) from West Michigan to Boston so that I arrived with a job waiting (even if it only paid $9/hour). Most people don’t have the family support and resources to do this kind of planning when they’re making below living wage.

I was warned by faculty mentors and career services people at my undergrad, when applying for grad school, that student loans were likely inevitable. I was looking at M.A./M.L.S. programs and was told the funding goes primarily to PhD students. I didn’t want to enter a PhD program. But I did need an advanced degree if I wanted to pursue work in the library science field, and I wanted to continue my history scholarship as well both because I loved historical research and writing and also because it would help me on the job market. I chose a private school (Simmons College, now Simmons University) for my grad program for personal and pedagogical rather financial reasons. I wanted to get out of Michigan for a while, and the program offered an integrated archives-history track with small cohorts that sounded like a good fit.

In retrospect I didn’t have much experience cost comparing. I had never shopped for an undergrad college — I had gone where tuition was free, because that seemed like an offer I’d be foolish to refuse. So I was naive. But I had also grown up in a context that predisposed me to pick based on the program first, and cost second. I had been encouraged by all of the adults in my life to evaluate learning experiences first on the basis of whether they supported the personal goal of making a meaningful life and contributing to the collective good and then, second — after deciding whether the learning on offer was a good match — think about whether it was practically feasible. I actually still believe that is a valuable approach. But it is an approach that exists uncomfortably alongside the skyrocketing expense of higher education. “Is this practically feasible?” is a different starting place from, “What is the smartest financial decision?”

When I got the financial aid package there was some merit based scholarship money … and a projected ~$60k in student loans for the four years of the program. Scary numbers I had no basis for evaluating. (Another reminder that I was a white, middle class young adult who was a third generation college graduate with PhDs in my extended family. Many people go through this with way less cultural competency in the higher education marketplace. And I was still struggling to interpret my options.) So. I get the aid package and am at sea trying to evaluate it. My father has a colleague who does financial advising and he offers to go over the numbers with me for free (again, something most people do not have in their lives). I put together a spreadsheet of projected income and expenses. The financial advisor is impressed I can spreadsheet! He looks over my numbers and the takeaways from our conversation are these:

  • Educational debt is an investment. While I’m not being encouraged to sign for loans willy-nilly, the loans on offer are all government loans with non-predatory interest rates and flexible options for repayment based on circumstances. Taking out loans to pursue professional training is not considered a poor financial strategy.
  • The first year of grad school will likely be most expensive, as I transition to a new city, look for work, look for an apartment, find roommates to cost-share with, etc. I can borrow a bit more in year one and likely bring borrowing down in subsequent years as my expenses go down and my earning goes up.
  • The best practice was not to take out more in loans than I could expect to earn as an annual salary once I had completed my degree. If I kept that equation in mind, it would help keep my monthly payments after graduation to something my earning power could realistically absorb.

I took his advice, bit the bullet, and decided to accept the offer of admittance. It was scary, but I felt I had done my due diligence and no one had raised red flags so I pressed forward. And his advice, as far as it went, was pretty decent. I’m glad I stuck to federal loans, and during graduate school I was able to reduce the amount I accepted in loans each year. I worked multiple jobs (that paid $12 and even $14/hour!), accepted stipended teaching and research assistantships, and shared a 500sqft apartment and living expenses with another graduate student (reader, I married her). Living in Boston is fucking expensive. In my hometown, the apartment that I had shared with a roommate in college cost $500/month. We each paid $250. I knew Boston would be expensive but there’s a difference between knowing on paper a major metropolitan area is more expensive than your hometown and writing a rent check for $1250 every month (today that rent check is $1900). But Boston was where my graduate program was, and it is/was where my job (and my wife’s job) opportunities were — and still are. There was no way, during graduate school, we could pay living expenses working jobs that paid $12-$14/hour, even with both of us working. So loans were a necessity part of making ends meet while we were balancing school, work, and life.

As I have written about before, the reality of taking on so much debt — I had never even had to pay interest on my credit card balance, which I paid in full every month! — was physically toxic to my system. I was so frightened of, and humiliated by, the fact of having student loan debt I woke up nauseated every day for the better part of that first year. I felt like I should have been clever enough to find a different way. It felt like irresponsibility to incur debt at all.

While I was in graduate school, the 2008 financial crash happened. NO ONE was hiring. We all felt lucky not to be let go (if we weren’t let go). It was around this time that one of my colleagues made me aware of the Public Service Loan Forgiveness (PSLF) program. This was before anyone, anywhere had been making payments for the necessary ten years to apply for forgiveness. The criteria seemed opaque but we puzzled through the fine print and concluded our non-profit cultural institution was likely a qualifying employer. THANK GOD there might be light at the end of the tunnel. A safety net by which the chronically low-paying jobs in our field (libraries, archives, and museums) were recognized as a public good and the financial burden we were all carrying in order to do that service work might be lifted.

Notice I say “might.” We were all wary of the PSLF program because it seemed too public-spirited to be true in the age of government austerity. It was way too uncertain a possiblity, way too far in the future, to make any major decision life based upon a “might.” Certainly not as we were watching colleagues be let go, watching the job ads slow to a trickle, watching the housing crisis unfold nationwide.

Just as I was going on the full-time, post-grad school job market in earnest, I was offered a promotion to full-time at my current workplace. The starting salary was $34k/year. So while my student loans (approaching $60k by graduation) met the guideline for not exceeding the “typical” Boston salary in the library sector ($62k) the job — full time! with benefits! in a shitty economy! — on offer was only half that. So the realities of the  situation were this: I could accept a full-time job with colleagues I felt good working with, doing work I felt good about, in a shitty job market and enroll in an income-based student loan repayment plan OR I could keep looking for a job, perhaps even in other sectors I wasn’t trained for, that would allow me to pay off my student loans in the “standard” ten years. Don’t forget that I had/have a partner who also has student loan debt we are jointly responsible for, who was simultaneously making these same calculations around accepting contingent, part-time work or … remaining on the brutal job market.

Remember that my wife and I both work in an entire industry — non-profit, cultural heritage work — where staff are chronically underpaid, especially in relation to our training and the financial investment they were encouraged to put into that education, and all told (and tell eachother) we should be grateful for work we love. Are we foolish to accept and repeat this story? Maybe. But the story is told around us and dictates the conditions of our work in material ways not entirely in our individual control. When an entire sector is organized around the economy of workers expected to be grateful and do more with less, if we push back individually the headwind is strong. We are negotiating on very uneven terms with employers who know they can ask for more, with less, because everyone does.

So. Have I somehow been encouraged to maintain my “lifestyle” of working at a non-profit cultural heritage institution that is in basic alignment with my values because of the possibility that someday, maybe, the federal government would forgive my student loan debt? The structural forces that shaped my graduate school path and the debt that followed from that are — no offense to the federal government — much larger than the vague possibility of potentially qualifying for a debt forgiveness program could have much impact on. The ship of student loan debt, and the job market we graduated into, had sailed long before the PSLF became a thing that might apply to us a decade in the future.

Ideally — ideally — I would argue that a) the costs of education should be socialized so students aren’t taking on astronomical amounts of personal debt to equip themselves for their jobs and b) the wages paid to entry-level workers in any industry — but perhaps particularly the non-profit / public service worlds — should align with the expenses incurred to train plus the money required to be financially secure. Until that happens, the PSLF program is hardly precipitating the problem of overwhelming student debt. It’s a stop-gap measure to make sure those serving the public for low wages don’t sink beneath the weight of educational debt or evacuate the field entirely because it becomes financially unsustainable. I think it is an entirely appropriate role for government to encourage workers to accept and remain in jobs that service the collective well-being of humanity and to step in and provide a safety net that offsets the financial risk we are currently asked to shoulder.

I have been on income-based repayment for my ~$60k + interest student loan debt since August 2011. I’ve had my employer certified as PSLF-eligible. I’m not holding my breath but I have no other choice because we cannot pay rent and pay standard monthly payments on our debt. This is a systemic problem that requires a systemic solution, and PSLF is one piece of the front line, emergency-response puzzle.

Republicans want 100% of the financial risk of EVERYTHING to be on the individual (student, employee, retiree, sick person, etc. … ). In contrast, I believe — not just because I am one of those touched by the potential of PSLF — that it is a good moral and utilitarian use of government to mitigate the financial burden of education and training in our present reality. If you agree with me, let your representative and senators know! The PSLF is worth fighting for, for all of us, as the first step in reshaping how we fund higher education in the United States. And I’ll be writing my representative Ayanna Pressley, and my senators Elizabeth Warren and Ed Markey, this week to tell them so.

burnout: the thread

11 Friday Jan 2019

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in life writing, think pieces

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Below is a lightly modified long-ass Twitter thread that I wrote earlier this week about burnout. It got a high amount of traffic (for me) and I thought some might benefit from having it in blog post form, with some added citational links to other work on these subjects. The thread began as a riff on this Tweet from Anne Helen Peterson:

Common response to the burnout essay = “Just wait until you have kids,” which signals:

1) Sustained belief that millennials are still teens (1/2 the millennials I know have kids)

2) Unfamiliarity w/idea that many millennials aren’t having kids b/c of factors listed in piece

— Anne Helen Petersen (@annehelen) January 6, 2019

This response also suggests burnout only “counts” if you’re parenting. And normalizes burnout for parents. If you’re interested in the normalization of burnout for those doing reproductive and other types of care work, Laura Briggs’ How All Politics Became Reproductive Politics: From Welfare Reform to Foreclosure to Trump for more on this trap. And care work doesn’t begin and end with parenting either. As a thirty-seven year-old millennial not parenting, I still have non-waged kinkeeping that is chronically time-starved. Off the top of my head, kinkeeping activities beyond parenting:

  • Remembering/celebrating family & friends’ birthdays, holidays, etc.
  • Caring for an ill spouse
  • Caring for an ill parent or sibling
  • Caring for companion animals
  • Feeding, exercising, caring for your own body
  • Writing letters, emails, to long-distance friends and family
  • Meeting friends and family for coffee dates
  • Participating in community life (church, neighborhood, volunteer orgs.)
  • Participating in political life
  • Creative pursuits that make the world a more beautiful place

Feminist activists have been pointing out at least since the mid-20th century that when people who previously did unpaid kinkeeping labor (women, teenage daughters, spinsters, elders) are pushed into wagework the need for that labor doesn’t disappear. You either have to pay someone to do this work, or you do it yourself as “second shift” work (leading to burnout), or — because of burnout and a literal lack of time — it doesn’t get done.

(A bit later…) I read Anne’s newsletter on writing the burnout piece, which is all I could face today (So much irony in feeling too burned out to read about burnout…). Some lateral thoughts that bubbled up:

In the newsletter she quotes someone citing Chomsky on “efficiency” for business = extra labor for customers. I haven’t read the Chomsky analysis but I recall a great example of this presented in terms of retirement and pensions vs. 401(k) model. (I tried to find the example online while compiling this post and the Internet defeated me.) Pensions make the work of investing the responsibility of the company rather than the employee. You work, you retire, you get a set amount from your employer. You don’t need to make many complex high stakes choices to ensure the money is there for you. In the 401(k) model, the employee is responsible for ongoing, complex financial management. Most of us do not have expertise in this area, or money to pay independent experts, but WE are responsible and shoulder the risk even when we struggle to be “good” savers.

This shouldering of responsibility and risk — packaged for us as freedom of choice across many areas of life — means in practice that human rights become contingent on our ability to become experts in navigating countless complex systems.* If we don’t have money to outsource the labor of making informed, meaningful choices we are in practice held responsible for “choices” that are not, in fact, in our ability to actively make.**


*My reflections here are shaped by a reproductive justice framework, especially about the human rights problems created by “choice” rhetoric. So a shout out to those scholars. You can read an introduction to reproductive justice here and I also recommend this excellent book on the history and activism of the movement.

**Inserts obvious all caps footnote that along every vector the existing inequalities of race, class, gender, health, education, immigration status, disability, etc both create and amplify this responsibility trap.


On a less meta level than the risk/responsibility trap and its violation of fundamental human rights (YOU HEARD ME) My wife Hanna and and I experience decision fatigue so frequently we have a short-hand for it: “ferret shock”. (The internet informs me another term for this would be overchoice.) If we’re out running errands or standing in the grocery aisle and one of us asks the other to make a decision, that person often says “I”m ferret shocking” and the asker knows exactly what they’re talking about and we go home.

Another thing the burnout discussion is reminding me of Courtney Martin’s Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters (2007), my own reaction to it at the time of its publication, and the limits of countercultural lifeways. For those who haven’t read it, the nutshell argument was/is that for (white, middle-class, aspirational) women of my age cohort (b. 1981) had learned we could/should strive for perfection and it was killing us. When I read it in 2007, I didn’t see myself in this narrative. I knew the narrative, sure, but I had also been insulated from it in a variety of ways leading from my parents’ own countercultural decision to let me opt out of formal schooling until college, and do college extremely part-time as a commuter. Because I never socialized intensely with my cohort or with people drilling aspirational messaging into my cohort, I had some measure of distance from that narrative. I didn’t feel like a failure for opting out of many things my peers felt were obligatory.

(There’s a complicated side narrative here connected to queer identity, chronic illness, and religious subcultures but that’s for another thread.)

But the thing about structurally-created burnout is that you CANNOT opt out as a single person or even, in many cases, as a subculture or community of crunchy-granola-hippie types (I’m speaking of myself here, with a mixture of mild self-parody and entirely sincere commitment to crunchy granola). The same year Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters came out I moved to Boston for grad school and was structurally forced into a number of systems — graduate school, student loan debt, resume building, the cost of living where I attended school and worked etc. — that create burnout. For a lot of that first year in Boston and back in the formal school environment, I felt like an extreme failure for having been unable to find a countercultural alternative to the cross country move –> graduate school –> librarianship path to adulting. I knew that aspects of the systems I was becoming embedded within were actively toxic to me.

In the past (through social privilege and positive family support for those alternative choices) I had been able to create loopholes for myself. But loopholes don’t create long-term structural change; they don’t fix the problem that created the need for the loophole. And even for the people (like me) who had the resources to create them, they are typically temporary. What I’m groping toward here is that burnout gets spun as an individual mental-health, self-help problem, when burnout is a collective and structural problem. It’s been baked into a system that capitalizes (literally!) our burnout. That doesn’t mean subcultural attempts to address and assuage burnout are pointless — I would argue based on my own experience and my historical research that such subcultural attempts are vital in demonstrating that burnout is historically created and change is possible.

Jo Freeman’s work on the tyranny of structurelessness is also informative and applicable to the condition of burnout we are coping with, as a society as well as individually, in this historical moment. The essay’s basic point is all groups have a structure. Either the structure is explicit, rulebound, with pathways of power and accountability or the structure is denied, shadowy, with no accountability for those who gain power. (Sound familiar?) The language of libertarian freedom of choice so beloved by the GOP and many on left too becomes the tyranny of structurelessness. Sure, we technically all have “choices” … but we don’t all have the power to take meaningful advantage of those choices. And the illusion of everyone having equal agency, in reality, allows people uninterested in sharing power to seize control because they are loud and pushy and don’t care. There is no structural way to stop them.

(When I think about the tyranny of structurelessness, I often remember Angus Johnston’s piece on the value of using Robert’s Rules of Order as a collective decision-making process: “Remember that Robert’s Rules are there to protect your rights, and those of the other members of the group.” If you’re interested in how structure can facilitate inclusivity, I highly recommend reading it.)

So finally, let’s talk about the idea of a “millennial” cohort and whether cohort generalizations are at all useful in this conversation about burnout. Some framing statements: generational language, like decade language (“the Sixties”) is primarily a marketing concept not very useful for historical analysis. Nevertheless, the term is in widespread use. When I use it, I use the Pew Research Center definition: Those born between 1981-1996. A fifteen year spread. I will turn thirty-eight this year, the oldest “millennial” as I was born in 1981. Those born in 1996 will turn twenty-three. So by raw age, the millennials so defined are in middle adulthood. They have jobs, bills, kinkeeping responsibilities. Most are no longer their parents’ dependents. Many have dependents of their own. If I had become a parent at age eighteen, my child would be twenty, possibly in college, possibly a parent themselves. That’s the cohort we’re talking about.

So is the idea of a “millennial” cohort at all useful or are we just stuck with it? I think it can be useful as a concept with some important caveats. I would argue that “millennial is a narrative not an identity. It is a story we tell about the people who arrived in adulthood between the mid-1990s and mid-2000s. It is a normative force that helps organize the conditions of our adulthood. Like most normative forces it is less representative than it is pre/proscriptive. It tells us who we are expected to be. Which is why the archetype “millennial” is white, rich, able-bodied, etc. The archetype is tied to age, yes, but in a looser way than birth year. It is a story that lays out how our lives should be organized and also itemizes the ways in which we fail those benchmarks. As a “discourse” (theorists might say) the story about millennials activates when and where our lives intersect with that story. Regardless of our technical age.

Some aspects of the millennial narrative have to do with the big-picture national and world events that shaped our childhoods and early adulthoods: Reagan and Thatcher, globalization, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the gutting of the social safety net, Bush v. Gore (my first presidential election), and our endless wars of aggression in Iraq and Afghanistan (I was twenty on 9/11). Those things shaped the lives of everyone who lived through them or is now dealing with the consequences, but the idea of “millennial” argues that these things shape us uniquely depending upon our age and/or “stage of life”. But not everyone follows the middle class, orderly story we are sold (another narrative!) about what order we (are supposed to, ideally) live our lives. So the intersection of a world event with a stage of life gets messy super quickly.

Let’s take the 2008 economic crisis. In 2008, I was beginning my graduate program for library science. My wife, technically a Gen Xer was two years ahead of me in the same program. She graduated into a much more precarious job market than I did. But so did much younger and older graduate students! I was in the same program with people age twenty-one and people in their forties. As a group, our graduate school experience was shaped by the conditions of the millennial narrative with no regard to age. So, in sum, it can be useful to think about how the millennial narrative is both shaped by and shapes the stories that we tell about our lives, the order in which we do (and are supposed to do) things, and how it is used to penalize human beings who fail the narrative.

gathered in love and service for justice and peace

10 Saturday Mar 2018

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in life writing

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ASCBoston

20170610_103421
Image: My rainbow scarf and mardi gras beads at Arlington St. Church, Boston Pride 2017.

Oh I am waking up, to find my world
Between the dying and being reborn
I see what is and I see what could be
Can’t close my eyes again, and go back to sleep. [Zo Tobi]

Tomorrow, I am formally joining the congregation of Arlington St. Church, a Unitarian Universalist congregation with roots that stretch back through Boston history to 1729. I have been attending services regularly since November 2016 and have known for about a year that I wanted to become a member, with a certainty that actually gave me pause and was part of what led me to delay joining until now. I wanted to make sure my commitment to this community was something more than a passing urgency borne of the national turning point of the Trump/GOP ascendency to power.

As part of the joining process, I was asked to reflect on what led me to Arlington St. Church; since I think best in writing, I wrote down some of the threads of my life that have led me to participation in this particular community, at this particular point in my own life and in this harrowing era we are living through. And, having done that, I thought I would share some thoughts here with all of you. Continue reading →

me, writing elsewhere … see you in 2017?

29 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in life writing, Uncategorized

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blogging, blogging elsewhere, work-life balance

IMG_20151229_144039During the past month, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do more and less of in 2016.

I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions, as they seem driven largely by the twin engines of American consumerism and self-improvement driven by toxic guilt. Perhaps, too, there is something about January in the upper Midwest (or New England) that seems a poor time to harden one’s resolve to do much more than curl up under a blanket with a cat, a glass of merlot, and a good book.

Still, I’ve been thinking about more and less. The things I do which bring me energy and joy and the things I’ve done in the past year which bring me largely exhaustion and stress. And, in between those two poles, the things which must be done (to put a roof over our heads, to put food on the table) and the things which fill time but don’t necessarily nourish the soul (my soul; at this moment).

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This afternoon, I put together a list of things which I hope to (will strive to) do more of this coming year. This list included things like quilting, reading romance novels, writing romance fanfic, cuddling with my wife, and walking around Boston.

Blogging wasn’t on that list, nor was nonfiction/personal writing of any kind. Which surprised me, a little. Since early adolescence I’ve been a prolific writer of the personal, since starting college a reliable producer of the research essay, history thesis, book review, and since 2007 a regular blogger at what would become over time the feminist librarian.

But lately, as they say, I just haven’t been feeling it.

So in 2016 I’ll be hitting PAUSE.

I’m going to see what a year of not-blogging feels like.

In 2017 I might be back…or I might be elsewhere. Meanwhile, of course, the Internet is a vast and many-textured space where computers talk to one another and human beings use computers to talk to one another. And I will continue to talk with other human beings there, in many locations other than this blog.

You’ll find me on Twitter sharing selfies and providing almost continual stream-of-consciousness thoughts, feelings, and photos.

You’ll find me on Archive of Our Own writing smutty fanfic.

You’ll find me on GoodReads leaving off-the-cuff book reviews.

You’ll find me at MedHum Fiction | Daily Dose and Library Journal writing more substantive reviews.

You’ll find my online reading list at Tumblr.

And this may date me? But I still enjoy corresponding with pen-pals. So you can always find me by email at feministlibrarian [at] gmail [dot] com.

I hope all of you have a lovely, rejuvenating 2016 and I look forward to seeing where the year takes us. May it be a better place by fits and starts than where we are as we begin.

visual memoir in the midst of a verbal life

19 Saturday Sep 2015

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in life writing

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memoir, photos

birthday171

I spent a few hours this afternoon, while watching the first two episodes of Strange Empire*, Storifying the first 173 days of my #365feministselfie project. It was satisfying in that tedious-repetitive-task sort of way, working backwards through that many Tweets until I got back to day one. A lot has happened in our lives since March, as a lot happens in anyone’s life over the course of nearly six months.

While I worked on this cataloging, I thought about the photographs and what their creation and publication has come to mean to me and my circle of friends and family over the past half year. Many of you have commented on how much seeing these daily snapshots gives you an ongoing sense of connection. Four of you have been inspired to embark on the project of chronicling your own daily lives visually, thoughtfully, in ways that have come into dialogue with my own photography and the self-portraits of others past and present.

Earlier in the week I finished reading a forthcoming book, Surface Imaginations: Cosmetic Surgery, Photography, Skin by Rachel Alpha Johnston Hurst (McGill-Queens University Press, 2015). There is much to chew over in this dense little study — review forthcoming in Library Journal — but one thing I found dissatisfying was Hurst’s analysis of photography as “mere image,” signifying loss. “An unconscious brush with death,” the photograph creates a visual representation of a moment that is no longer — depicting subjects who may already be lost to us, or someday will be. In relation to cosmetic surgery, Hurst argues, photographs provide evidence both of former (implicitly flawed) pre-modified bodies as well as idealized visions of future (post modification) embodied selves.

She goes on to argue:

Photography alters the way we remember, and hence the way we relate to our bodies. Since a photograph connotes the visual past, present, and future all at once, a picture of our face or body cannot stand solely as a representation of a past moment but instead is compared with what has been, what is, and what will come to be (76)

Perhaps because I have been a diarist, letter-writer, blogger, a chronicler of the personal, for much of my life, I think of photography much differently than this. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say I find it unexceptional in this regard. Before candid photography came into widespread use in the late nineteenth-century, individuals were no less comparative and introspective (whether critical or congratulatory) about their past, present, and future selves. Eighteenth- and nineteenth-century diarists were myriad and would keep line-a-day diaries that they might review at the end of a year and sum up their own shortcomings or signs of growth.

Autobiographical documentation is a dynamic endeavor, a conversation with the selves you have been from the moment of the present with an eye toward the self you hope or fear (or both) becoming in future. Self-portraits are, in this regard, embedded as much as any other form of self-documentation, in the broad sweep of a life and the culture(s) in which that life is lived. I can’t say I look at photographs of myself in the past and think of death and loss any more (or less) than when I look at my adolescent diaries or college planners or childhood drawings. We are time-bound, as humans, and I actually appreciate rather than seek to erase the passage of time across the multiple forms of self-chronicling.

One of the things I have actually enjoyed about this #365feministselfie project is the opportunity it gives me to see how I am growing up and older, growing into — and now through — adulthood, undeniably ageing.

As we all do.

To me, the photographs in this selfie project have grown to be the visual equivalent of my former diaries — visual, rather than verbal documentation of my life moving through time and space. As a person who works so constantly in the medium of language, it’s actually been restful to compose visual rather than verbal self-narratives this year. Perhaps I’ll keep exploring this mode even after the 365 days have passed.

an equidistant past [looking toward a ninth year]

29 Saturday Aug 2015

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in life writing

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boston

3a121-anna_threat

Selfie taken at Simmons College library (Sept 2007)

I realized on my evening commute yesterday that not only was this weekend the eighth anniversary of my arrival in Boston, but that this is the fourth anniversary I’ve celebrated since completing my graduate program at Simmons in May 2011. Which means I’ve now spent more time as a professional librarian in Boston than I did as a graduate student.

read previous anniversary posts:
year one
| year two | year three | year four
year five | year six | year seven | year eight

Thank the gods.

There were two things that almost broke me when I moved to Boston. One was the grief (still real, though muted by time) at uprooting myself from the social and physical ecology of my growing-up years and transplanting myself in a wholly new environment. It slayed me, emotionally, and was physically debilitating for most of my first year in Boston. I had panic attacks and couldn’t keep food down in the mornings, I struggled to sleep restfully without waking up in a cold sweat from inchoate nightmares.

Hanna likes to remind me on a regular basis how, during our early acquaintance, she thought I found her boring because I would fall asleep in her rooms on a regular basis when we hung out — it was one of the few places that read as “home” to my body and as a result I’d crash halfway through movie night (she still hasn’t forgiven me for snoring through the middle of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead). I know this sounds like some sort of trumped-up “soul mate” fan fiction trope but I swear that’s how it happened. I spent the next year getting up about two hours early for work so I could commute into the city with her, unable to face the task of getting from A to B without her beside me.

She found me confusing a lot. Until we figured out that kissing helping bring many things into greater clarity. But that didn’t happen until June 2009. We lived together for a year first.

Yes, our relationship did actually unfold like a story posted in response to some “last ones to figure out they’re already married” prompt.

2014-07-07 015

Selfie at the MHS with my feminist librarian’s magic wand (July 2014)

The other thing that almost brought my graduate student career to a screeching halt before it began was how much I hated being a student again. Living in a dorm was expedient, moving as I did from the Midwest without any local intelligence and few contacts. Living in the dorm, even as a graduate student, felt like a bajillion steps backward into an earlier stage of my youth instead of forward into adulthood. In short, it sucked. It sucked so much. I chaffed against being a student again even as I rejoiced at some of the new intellectual horizons opening for me.

I’m grateful for the doors graduate school opened — the opportunity to do my oral history work with the Oregon Extension, the launch of my career at the Massachusetts Historical Society, the connection I made through graduate school with Hanna (and thus the home we’ve established together), the fact that people now send me free books and occasionally pay me to review them — but yesterday when I realized I had spent more time in Boston not in graduate school than I spent as a student, it felt amazingly freeing.

I am over and done with that part of my life. I made good use of it while it lasted, and I’m glad to have moved on. I am glad to be an older adult than I was then, the same person but with an undeniably different sensibility. When I was in my late teens, early twenties, even later twenties, I used to scoff at the people who described having been a different person than they were as younger individuals (some of these people were older than I am now — thirty-four — and some of them appreciably younger). I felt a great deal of continuity with my past selves for many years, and resisted age-based narratives of change. But these days I would acknowledge that I am embodied in the world in a very different way today than I was five, ten, fifteen, twenty years ago. And I think part of my job in this coming year is to figure out what that shift in embodiment, in how I move through the world within which I am now rooted, really means and how it will shape my living in this next phase of life.

This has been your annual update. Enjoy your own autumn traditions, avoid Storrow Drive, and enjoy cider donuts from whomever your local supplier may be.

Selfie on the SW Corridor Path (August 2015)

Selfie on the SW Corridor Path (August 2015)

on being ordinary

15 Saturday Aug 2015

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in life writing

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family, work-life balance

I’ve been thinking this summer how grateful I am that our parents understood, and communicated to us, that we were ordinary. Unique, yes, but unique in an unexceptional way — because all human beings are unique in, well, their own unique way.

So being unique was unremarkable.

Being a special snowflake, in other words, is only “special” if there aren’t a bajillion other one-of-a-kind snowflakes on the ground alongside you. We grew up with parents confident we were … as awesome as the next person. No more, no less.

birthday138b

As a child, I probably chaffed against this. I was a seeker of adult attention. I was pleased by the fact my height often meant people overestimated my age — by my teens, in the right contexts, I was regularly mistaken for a college student and occasionally a parent rather than a babysitter. I chaffed against the limitations of youth, and to the extent that serious adult attention encouraged me to think of myself as an old soul I’m sure I chaffed against reminders that I was, indeed, pretty much the same as most other six, nine, twelve, fifteen year olds.

I started college, haphazardly, at age seventeen, although at the time I thought I would either do that or possibly pursue a career in bookselling or seek an apprenticeship in wilderness adventure tourism. I wasn’t particularly wedded to the idea of college — and, indeed, remained quasi-allergic to institutional education throughout the decade-plus span of my higher education career. But I started college, nonetheless, and by the second semester was holding my own in upper-level humanities courses with students of twenty, twenty-one. Spring of my first year I won a writing prize for an essay on erotic God language and basked in the praise of faculty impressed by my facility with words and intellectual curiosity. Throughout my college career, faculty pretty much let me run with ideas, nudging me toward graduate school, prizes, publications.

I did school well, in other words, despite my ambivalence, and got major cookies for doing so. For being an exceptional student. While I often resented and sometimes even felt nauseated by the attention, I would be lying if I said I didn’t also bask in the assurance of being able to excel by the standards of the system in which I had wandered into and chosen to remain.

Eventually, though, my gloss wore off. I was aware of it at the time: that the same independent (undeniably privileged) educational path — the one where I took more or less what I pleased and occasionally something that filled in the gaps for a degree — which has led me into college ahead of my peers also led me to graduate several years after. I went from being the youngest student in upper-level humanities courses to the oldest student (bar the rare “nontraditional” middle-aged enrollee) in a sea of first-years struggling through those skipped core requirements.

I’d gone from being read as exceptionally ahead to being worryingly behind, in terms of our cultural expectations. I was malingering in college, failing to graduate on schedule, with no clear career plan. I was not a good neoliberal student.

Even at the time I was aware that the social perception of my abilities was shifting underfoot, and felt some measure of relief. The exceptional person draws notice, expectations accrue, praise — high marks, encouragement — become ways in which admirers invest in certain outcomes. They paint a picture of you as a person which is a fantastical ideal, not a flesh and blood human, and they start speaking and acting as if you are entitled to certain things because of what they believe in you. They become invested in others seeing you through similarly rose-tinted glasses.

Again: Of course this feels good in some ways. How can it not. You really think I have a shot at …? You nominated me for …?! You think I should go for it? This socialized belief that you are exceptional also has material benefits. People who believe you are exceptional reward you with good grades, a job, a higher salary. It’s a privilege to have the story told of your life be one of success, because stories of success invite further success: doors open, invitations arrive, serendipity occurs, a cushion of self-confidence develops.

These stories may also, in part, be true — an approximation of the truth. They are true in certain details without being true in the cumulative result: I am skilled in some areas, not in others. I have strengths (as we all do) and weaknesses (as we all do). I have insightful days and days where my brain and social skills are sluggish. Parts of my body work better than others, on some days more so than on other days.

In other words, I am like every other human being.

I’ve been thinking this summer about how helpful it is to be able to return to this truth over and over again in the hyper-competitiveness of American mainstream culture — particularly around questions of work and economic success. It’s also helpful to return to in the context of adulthood in a youth-obsessed culture. As a thirty-four year old, I may or may not be part of Millennial generation but apart from definitions certainly feel less a part of that cohort than its marginal second cousin. I am not an “emerging” or “young” adult or professional at this point. I’m one of those people over thirty the young folk should always give the skeptical side-eye — and I’m actually really, really okay with that.

Why? Because I think there’s danger in thinking you’re hot shit. In thinking you’re exceptional. In thinking you deserve, that you’ve earned, the life that you’ve pieced together for yourself. We’re all in this together, and when we start imagining somehow we’re destined for greatness — or not worthy of being part of the human family — when we start worrying that we’ve missed the opportunity for some Jean Brodie act of greatness — or believing (as those who love us may be tempted to tell us) that we deserve the good things that come our way — then we will forget to pay attention to the uniqueness of those whom the world is unwilling or uninterested in treating that way, and recognizing that we walk as human beings on the earth, together.

So I’m glad to be ordinary. It’s a good kind of life.

my #365feministselfie project: day sixty

28 Thursday May 2015

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in life writing

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feminism, photos

57/365. At Cafe Aromi in Hyde Square, Jamaica Plain, Mass. (25 May 2015)

57/365. At Cafe Aromi in Hyde Square, Jamaica Plain, Mass. (25 May 2015)

Today I’m sixty days into my #365feministselfie project, wherein I post one selfie per day for an entire year. I started the project on a whim the day after my birthday and it’s kind of grown organically from there into something that has been unexpectedly moving for me to participate in. I’m not someone who is particularly averse to having my own image captured and displayed publicly (as my blog header and digital avatars attest) but even for me there is something joyfully normalizing about having a visual record of self that documents life in situ on a daily basis.

As a historian and archivist who works with personal papers, this ritual of the daily selfie reminds me of the many line-a-day diaries the Massachusetts Historical Society holds in their manuscript collections: the snippets of daily life that, over the course of a year or years document change over time. Through some powerful alchemy of time, the mundane is transformed into something that holds power not only for the creator but for those who witness the act — in the moment of creation as well as decades or centuries later.

I’ve had multiple friends and followers tell me on Facebook and Twitter how much they love the daily photos — some of them have even been motivated to embark upon their own 365 challenge or to consider doing so. For some people, particularly women in our culture, considering the possibility of 365 selfies may be all they are able to do (for now). But I count even those moments as victories, if I can make the prospect of putting ourselves out into the world unpolished something that falls with the realm of the possible.

Looking forward to the next 305 days! Follow along @feministlib, on Facebook, or catch see the project as a whole at the #365feministselfie album.

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"the past is a wild party; check your preconceptions at the door." ~ Emma Donoghue

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