• anna j. clutterbuck-cook
  • contact
  • curriculum vitae
  • find me elsewhere
  • marilyn ross memorial book prize

the feminist librarian

the feminist librarian

Tag Archives: wedding

wedding anniversary the second

14 Sunday Sep 2014

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in our family

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

art, domesticity, family, holidays, move2014, wedding

100_4267

As this post goes live, Hanna and I are on our way to Northampton, Mass. to enjoy lunch at the Lhasa Cafe and a wander with friends in celebration of our second wedding anniversary.

31169-tattoocalligraphy

I spent some of yesterday hanging art on our walls (finally!) including the framed tattoo concept drawings my father did for our wedding tattoos, and my sister-in-law Renee’s two landscapes — one painted in honor of her marriage to my brother (9/9) and one in honor of our marriage (9/14). We’ve hung them in a triptych on the bedroom wall (pictured above); they face this housewarming gift from my parents, who obviously know their daughter and daughter-in-law well: Continue reading →

married naming, nine months later

06 Saturday Jul 2013

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in our family

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

doma, family, feminism, married life, wedding

In the months before we got married, Hanna and I decided we were going to combine our middle names upon marriage:

  • Elisabeth + Jane = Elisabethjane
We even had our rings engraved with the word: a design we created ourselves by each writing the others’ “maiden” middle name:
I even wrote a guest blog post about our process for The Last Name Project, which I still think accurately captures our reasoning and the symbolism we saw in taking this approach.
But then some things happened.
First, when we went to fill out the forms at the town hall in Brookline, pursuant to obtaining a marriage license, there was no way to change your middle name upon marriage. The clerk didn’t care. The bureaucracy only cares if you’re going to change your last name(s). Which, practically speaking, means you can only change your last names if you want to change your names without additional cost and seamlessly with the marriage paperwork.
“That’s okay,” I said while we were standing in the office. “We’ll just take care of it later, separately.” 
We were going to have to file for two legal name changes, at $165.00 per person, in Probate and Family Court. With all of the other wedding-related details and expenses, it seemed like a detail we could follow up on later.
Then, on the night before our wedding, Hanna suddenly realized it was important to her that we share a last name. “What if something happens?” She asked, into the dark as we lay in bed talking about it. “How will people know we were ever married? How will they know you belong to me?” 
We had previously discarded the notion of hyphenated last names as unwieldy, though neither of us — historians to the core — wanted to walk away from our family of origin names altogether. So at the eleventh hour, we revisited the hyphen option and have settled on Clutterbuck-Cook as the shared last name we will eventually take.
Eventually being the key word here, since nine months later we’ve yet to file the paperwork and pay the $330 in fees to get it all taken care of. Expense is a barrier, as is the lingering question of whether we’ll move forward with our shared middle name plan, in addition to the last name change, or whether that’s just too extensive for any one person to bear: Anna Elisabeth Jane Clutterbuck-Cook? I mean, it’ll basically never fit on a form. Ever. Again. Not even the forms for effecting the change!
And then DOMA was an excuse for not deciding. “We’ll do it when DOMA falls,” I said, eventually. It seemed like a good way to mark the expansion of marriage equality. And practically it seemed like the sensible thing to do. Why change our names when the federal government would refuse to acknowledge we were legally pledged to one another anyway.
But now DOMA is no more (yay!). Plus, our passports are up for renewal, making a natural time to get everything formalized. 
So I’ve been starting to just kind of play around with this new last name of ours. When I sign up for new accounts online. When I fill in a return address on an envelope. On Twitter. On my blog. Probably soon in the signature line of my work email:
  • Anna E. J. Cook?
  • Anna J. Clutterbuck-Cook?
  • Anna E. Clutterbuck-Cook?
  • Anna E. Cook?
  • Hanna and Anna Cook-Clutterbuck
  • Anna and Hanna Clutterbuck-Cook
Right now I have a handful of variations on this theme rattling around the Internet. Slowly, I think Anna J. Clutterbuck-Cook is winning out, although part of me still wants to add the Elisabeth too. 
I admit, part of the reason I’m reluctant to let go of the intertwined middle names is that it seems like an elegant and egalitarian solution. Everyone we told the middle-name plan to thought it was awesome and radical and why-had-no-one-thought-of-this-before? At the same time, like Hanna, I feel the undeniable pull of social legitimacy — that thing same-sex couples, particularly, are both applauded and shamed for desiring. Like Hanna, I want us to be unmistakably married. And in modern, Western culture sharing a last name or names with one’s spouse is a fairly unmistakable linguistic act: We two, together.

(Or “we three,” perhaps, for some — though not us.)
I don’t think it’s queer, or feminist, failure to want recognition or legibility for who we are. And the society (and legal paperwork) through which our lives are filtered shape our choices. 
If the marriage certificate forms had allowed us to change our middle names, it would be done.
But they didn’t; because that’s not how it’s done.
(That’s not “how it’s done” for straight men, either, in many states. Massachusetts law treats both spouses equally but in many states husbands who change their last names upon marriage incur additional fees or outright refusal.) 
The Internet is strange, too. Do I just grandfather in my Twitter handle? Email address? Even my most widely-used internet handle, annajcook doesn’t acknowledge my marriage linguistically. Do I ditch it and start afresh? It seems untidy, somehow, lacking in efficiency, either way. 
Why can’t everything magically switch over, like when you change your profile picture on Google and suddenly every platform shows the new you?
But on the other hand, I like to think this period of messy uncertainty gives historians of the future a trail of breadcrumbs for us all as we move through the virtual and analog universe: Here we are, tangled together. Somehow. We’re still working out exactly how. 
But one way or another, we’re going to make sure people know it’s We two, together.

photograph by Laura Wulf (2012)

baby steps by my alma mater

17 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in think pieces

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

being the change, gender and sexuality, hope college, michigan, wedding

I’ve been critical of my alma mater, Hope College, here on this blog in the past — particularly when it comes to the institutional refusal to affirm the queer faculty and students on its campus. I stand firm on my pledge not to support the college financially until such time as its anti-gay policy changes.

However, I do also believe in giving shout-outs to those at the college who aren’t letting the official policy stand in the way of affirming the humanity and equality of those of us in the Hope College diaspora who happen to be queer.

In that spirit …

When Hanna and I sent out our wedding announcements in late September, I sent one to the Hope College alumni office; friends and family members were betting on whether or not the announcement would run in the alumni magazine’s list of news from graduates (births, deaths, marriages, advanced degrees, and so forth) that fill the back of each issue.

They had about even odds for and against running the notice at all.

But I got the latest issue of News From Hope College this weekend and there we were on page 27.

Of course, as there is a “Marriages” section of the News, the announcement would have more appropriately gone there since, you know, we got married.

But I imagine someone had to fight to put our “union” in the magazine at all, and I’m all for recognizing baby steps when they’re taken in the right direction.

So thank you, Hope College alumni office — you exceeded my fairly jaded expectations. You’re not going to single-handedly woo me back into the fold, but I do appreciate the acknowledgement that Hope alumni are here (and queer) right in the pages of the News from Hope.

provincetown [honeymoon, installment five]

06 Thursday Dec 2012

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in our family

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cape cod, photos, travel, wedding

On our one-week anniversary — and our last full day on Cape Cod — we decided to drive out to the very tip of the Cape and pay a visit to Provincetown.

One of our first stops, naturally, was the Provincetown Public Library. It was too early in the morning to go inside, but we ran into one of their regular volunteers in a boutique across the way with whom we talked Boston library gossip and heard mouth-watering tales of the Provincetown library’s special collections room.
Outside the library was this abandoned still-life project; the artist was nowhere to be found – but the sketch certainly hold promise!
There was so much cottage lust in Provincetown. EPIC amounts. I wanted to live in just about every cottage we passed by. So overcome by cottage lust was I , in fact, that I failed to take any close-up photographs of said cottages. But here are a couple of views of the waterfront.
I enjoyed the fact that one of these two kayakers has a pirate flag affixed to the front of their craft!
It goes without saying that we couldn’t walk by this bookshop without going in. Tim’s Used Books was a rickety old house in the best used book store fashion, and we were allowed to browse without interruption through the musty stacks. My conversation with the store clerk as I paid for our selections was one of the first in which I was able to employ the phrase “my wife,” as in “my wife works at a medical history library …” and I’ve discovered since then the language really never gets old.

We had our one-week anniversary lunch at Karoo Cafe, a South African restaurant with the most delicious appetizer plate and peanut-curry stew. We bought supplies to go, and mourned this passed weekend when we ate up the last of the apricot chutney. Time to plan a day-trip out to P-town on the ferry!

All in all, it was a good first week of married life. Although we’ll be spending our one-year anniversary on the West Coast in 2013 (helping our friends Diana and Collin celebrate their own nuptials!) we definitely plan to make a return visit to Cranberry Cottages, and perhaps eventually have enough resources to more permanently satisfy that cottage lust of mine … after all, that daily ferry service from Boston to Provincetown can’t be too onerous of a commute, can it?

on chatham beach [honeymoon, installment four]

24 Saturday Nov 2012

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in our family

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

cape cod, outdoors, photos, travel, wedding

On Thursday of our honeymoon week, we were going to stay in — but the weather was so beautiful that we ended up driving about half an hour to the seaside town of Chatham, southwest of the cottage where we were staying. From the center of town we walked out to the public beach.

The tide was coming in and the waves were beautiful.

I would love, someday, to be able to live within hearing distance of the surf.

It’s perhaps a mark of too much exposure to bohemian literature that the fantasy of living out our retirement as a couple of dykes (and a bevy of cats) on a wind-swept coast would be a fine thing.

Or perhaps it’s just the Michigander in me.

Stay tuned for our one-week anniversary trip to Provincetown!

wellfleet [honeymoon, installment three]

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in our family

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

cape cod, photos, travel, wedding

After spending Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday in the lower Cape, we decided to explore the upper Cape the latter half of our week. We started in Wellfleet, which promised us a bookshop to browse in and beaches to stroll on.

It’s surprisingly difficult to get to the shore from here in Boston, particularly since we don’t own a car. So it was a treat to walk on some actual sand again (something I used to do almost weekly back in Michigan).

I basically wanted to relocate to every cottage we passed on the Cape, particularly the weather beaten ones.

Walking along the boardwalk at the marina, we were tickled to see this boat (named in reference to the X-Files perhaps?). And along the main street in town we saw this plaque, which made us wonder whether John and Rodney had decided to relocate from Nantucket.

Along the main drag, we also saw this beautiful church doorway.

On our way back from Wellfleet, we stopped at Kemp Pottery, and found this inexplicable series of tiles:

One of the potters was at work in the studio working on a series of amphoras to be given as awards for a local sports hall of fame. Here, you can see runners and bikers on the unfinished pieces (yes, the figures have tiny dicks):

We ended up splurging a little on two plates — not the official wedding plates Kemp Pottery makes, but which we think of as our wedding plates all the same.

When we got home after our honeymoon, we had our last two pieces of wedding cake (delicious chocolate cake given to us by my colleagues at the MHS) on our new wedding plates.

Up next … another afternoon of beach walking in Chatham …

thoughts on traveling while gay-married

13 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in our family

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

gender and sexuality, politics, travel, wedding

Hanna and I were in Montreal this weekend, at the North American Conference on British Studies. Well, Hanna was at the conference and I went along as the spouse. I spent the hours Hanna was in session writing an epic piece of fan fiction I’m working on (yes, this is what I do on vacation) and the hours she was free we spent wandering around the city. I’d never been to Montreal, and do hope to return there at some point when we have more free time (and more hours of daylight!).

Cathedral-Marie-Reine-du-Monde (via)

But what I actually want to write about today is less our visit to Montreal and more the fact that taking this international trip together so soon after the election, with marriage equality and gay rights all over the news, made me acutely aware of the fact that our marriage is still second-class when it comes to legal recognition. We’re married in the state of Massachusetts, and treated as such within its borders (for example, when I picked up the rental car at the Enterprise office they told me kindly I no longer needed to present Hanna’s license in order to add her as an authorized driver; spouses are automatically covered). But it’s actually just good luck that driving through Massachusetts, Vermont, and into Quebec, that we remained, for our entire trip, on soil where our marriage is valid.

Post-election marriage equality map;
click through to Sociological Images for high-res version

While this wasn’t of immediate material concern to us, crossing the U.S. – Canadian border, the U.S. border patrol considers us two individual unrelated citizens, rather than a family unit.

When we drove up to Maine for our post-wedding brunch with Hanna’s parents in October, our marriage ceased to be recognized by the jurisdiction we were in for the duration of our stay; thanks to Maine voters this will not be the case when we go up for our annual Christmas visit. When we fly to Oregon to visit my brother and sister-in-law next year, we’ll be in a state where we’d only have the option of a civil union; the next time we visit my home state of Michigan, where there’s a Defense of Marriage Act in place, I’ll be in a geo-political location where people have actively rejected my status as a married person.
This actually matters to me way more than I thought it would, the way the legal status of my marriage is so permeable. Obviously, the promises that Hanna and I have made to one another do not cease at the state or national border. And as more and more queer folk marry same-sex partners, our relationships will gain cultural legibility even in places where DOMA laws are still on the books, or gay marriage isn’t technically legal. I imagine that when I introduce Hanna as my wife when we’re in California next fall for a friend’s wedding our status as a married couple will be taken as read.
But looking at this map, as a gay-married person, I suddenly realize that until the legal-political landscape for marriage rights change, Hanna and I are basically limited to living in eight states in our fifty-state union (or moving abroad). 
While we have no plans to leave Massachusetts before the decade is out, it’s still a sobering realization, and one that I didn’t feel the full import of back before we’d tied the knot. It’s one thing to live in a state with a gay marriage ban or civil unions when you’re just considering getting married. You weigh your options, maybe decide to travel somewhere like Vermont or Iowa or (now) Washington and make it legal, throw a party, configure yourself and your wife as rebellious upstarts, the advance guard of the gay-married revolution. 
(At least, I could totally see myself getting a kick out of that, had we met and decided to live in, say, Ann Arbor, Michigan.) 
But now, as an already-married lesbian it feels way more hostile to walk into spaces where there are folks actively choosing not to recognize and honor my relationship choices and commitments. Instead of those people saying, “No, you can’t, we won’t let you,” it feels like they’re saying “You have, but we don’t care.“
And I think that feels worse because it feels like even when you do things by the book it doesn’t matter, you’ll get dismissed anyway. I know this isn’t true, rationally. That state-by-state recognition is a powerful symbolic and material gain, as is every single individual instance of person-to-person recognition (from our parents to the woman at Enterprise who rented me the car), as is the sea-change of public opinion which we appear to be witnessing. But in the moment, there’s a part of me that finds it really, really scary to acknowledge that regardless of all intimate personal commitments and acts, we are at the end of the day beholden to the government and to the opinions of our fellow citizens for equal recognition, and if they were to decide we weren’t married, they have the power to (legally) erase our formal entanglements and there’s nothing we could do about it.
Which is why I feel newfound gratitude toward all of the folks who have made this their issue du jour as organizers. It’s only one small corner of the queer rights universe, but just because it’s gone “mainstream” doesn’t mean it’s ceased to matter.

falmouth and woods hole [honeymoon, installment two]

04 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in our family

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cape cod, photos, travel, wedding

On our honeymoon, Hanna and I had a whole week on Cape Cod to explore. A native Michigander, I had never been out to the Cape at all and Hanna had only been once, years ago, and then only to Provincetown (more on there later). We didn’t make any hard-and-fast plans about our week of activities, and instead set out to explore.

On Monday we drove back up the Cape to Falmouth and began our day with breakfast at Pop Kitchen, which served up eggs benedict and omelettes and bottomless coffee.

Hanna & her coffee (used with permission)

The decor was bright and the food tasty; the only thing to mar the meal was the jerk the next table over on vacation from North Carolina who harassed his waitress and wouldn’t stop gabbing on the phone about how much everything sucked. Proof, I suppose of what we already know: rude people exist pretty much everywhere.

After breakfast, we walked out to Wood’s Hole, where the ferries leave for Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard. It was a beautiful eight-mile round trip walk along the Shining Sea Bikeway.

One of the first buildings we came to in Wood’s Hole was the local NPR affiliate, WCAI, operating out of this home-like building. Between that and the tasty coffee shops, we felt quite at home!

When we got back to Falmouth we went in search of a salon that would do gel manicures — something Hanna had requested as a treat during our vacation.

The salon we found, Bellezza, didn’t have two back-to-back appointments until the following day (which was also forecast to be rainy) so we returned on Tuesday for ice cream and some pampering.

I had never had a manicure before and it was a very odd experience, but the woman who did our nails was very chatty and a fellow cat person, so we mostly talked about the inexplicable activities of our respective feline companions.

The gel manicures were awesome (speaking as someone who always nicks my polish) though expensive; I can’t imagine people who have enough money to make this a regular thing. But it was still fun to have bright color for a couple of weeks.

When we got back to Eastham in the late afternoon, the rose bush on the south side of the cottage had decided to greet us with a few autumn blooms.

Up next: Wellfleet, then Provincetown!

And yes, I do have a few posts of substance rattling around in the back of my mind — one on work, class, financial (in)security, and responsibility, particularly, but I’ve been trying to write it since I was promoted in August and it still hasn’t sorted itself out. So you’re getting pretty pictures instead! I hope you enjoy them.

cranberry cottages [honeymoon, installment one]

25 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in our family

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

cape cod, photos, travel, wedding

For our honeymoon on the Cape, we chose to stay in a cottage colony just north of Orleans called Cranberry Cottages; we were in a little studio cottage called “The Honeymooner,” though we didn’t realize that until after we’d arrived!

At the “elbow” of the Cape, the Orleans-Eastham area is a great spot — if you have a car — to explore up and down the Cape. With a week to poke around, we picked a different destination almost every day and took in what there was to see (and taste!).

On our first morning we walked out from our cabin to the rail trail that took us directly into Orleans on foot, where we breakfasted at The Hole in One donut shop and restaurant. Breakfast was so tasty that we decided to take our donuts to go, and have them as a mid-afternoon snack!

What’s a honeymoon / vacation for if not for sitting in Adirondack chairs drinking coffee, eating donuts, and catching up on one’s leisure reading?

For dinner, we found a great restaurant called the Box Office Cafe that offered a wide variety of unique movie-themed pizza. We got the Beetle Juice pizza that featured (vegan) chicken, blueberries, and BBQ sauce. Hanna was skeptical, but I persuaded her and we enjoyed it so much we bought it twice more before the week was out!

Next up … our two days in Falmouth (one outdoorsy, one pamperingly girly).

*In the event that folks have noticed, I’m the only person depicted in these photographs not because Hanna decided not to come along on our honeymoon but because she doesn’t like to share pictures of herself with the world, online or off.

coffee and sunshine [wedding day, installment three]

23 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by Anna Clutterbuck-Cook in our family

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

boston, food, photos, wedding

Our wedding morning dawned cool and clear, and we began as we do most Friday mornings, by walking out through Coolidge Corner and down Beacon street to Tatte cafe.

We are so thankful to Tzurit and everyone on the staff at Tatte for welcoming us for our wedding morning!

We had decided that we really wanted our marriage vows to be woven into the fabric of our daily life here in Boston, and at least once a week Hanna and I are able to have breakfast at Tatte before work.

What we like to order is the Brioche Breakfast (we’re particularly fond of the pear marmalade!) and espresso – so that’s what Tzurit and her staff prepared as a wedding feast.

I guess we really wanted all that!

Halfway through breakfast I remembered we had promised to call my folks once it was all official – and I’d forgotten my cell phone at home! Thankfully, our friend M. came to the rescue with her iPhone (which I could use while drinking my latte).

After sending everyone off well-fed to their various destinations of the day, Hanna and I made our way back home via Trader Joe’s where we did our grocery shopping in preparation for the following morning’s departure for Cape Cod.

And then we went home and essentially napped for the rest of the day (getting married turns out to be hard work, even if you keep it small!).

← Older posts
"the past is a wild party; check your preconceptions at the door." ~ Emma Donoghue

Recent Posts

  • medical update 11.11.22
  • medical update 6.4.22
  • medical update 1.16.2022
  • medical update 10.13.2021
  • medical update 8.17.2021

Archives

Categories

Creative Commons License

This work by Anna J. Clutterbuck-Cook is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.com

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • the feminist librarian
    • Join 37 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • the feminist librarian
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...